A Series of Suspicious Circumstances
by Nacina
Summary: A Twilight/Hellsing/Deathnote fic. Three classic stories woven into one another to make that which is angsty into that which is hilarious. Changed rating due to mild sexual references.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight (and I don't think I'd like to either), Hellsing or Deathnote. I also do not possess the "beauty" of the Cullens', the dry wit of Alucard, the rock hard abs of Jacob. I do however believe that Light Yagami totally stole the crazy superiority complex angle from me. Damn him. Potential- sorry, almost CERTAIN- Twilight mocking, so don't read if you're a fangirl. For the love of all that isn't vampirish, don't read it. I can't stand another Team whatever threatening to shiv me, or worse yet, to make me watch Eclipse.**

**For my lovely readers, enjoy and know that I write this while eating a potato chip.**

DAY ONE

_It was like any other day in the town of Forks, Washington. The sky was almost constantly covered by ominous grey clouds; sunlight was a rare occurrence in this dreary town, and when it was permitted to break through the barrier of clouds, it was short lived. This is the town the Cullen family resided in. The populace was small, and the furry woodland creatures abundant. Forks was a serene, quiet town that only had the odd supernatural occurrence._

_The Cullen's were no ordinary family however. Their skin was whiter than that of a 23 year old WoW player, their skin colder than the inside of a freezer; they were faster than a teenage girl confronted with a sale, with even better fashion sense. They weren't human in the least; they were vampires._

_The real story of this family begins after the events of Eclipse. It begins when God himself passes judgment upon those without souls._

The afternoon was a drizzly one at the Swan residence. Not nice enough to risk the hair, and not bad enough to play some baseball.

Edward sighed as he ran a hand through his tawny locks, thoughtfully staring out the window, a look of deep concentration in his eyes. His one and only, the ever plain and inferior Bella gazed upon his smoldering good looks, his ocher eyes, his rock hard chest, and his enormous p-

Bella's thoughts were cut short as Edward slapped the window and hissed.

"DAMMIT! It doesn't matter if I spend 1 or 3 hours, I can NEVER get the Keanu Reeve hair down pat! What am I doing wrong? I've watched The Matrix at LEAST 13 times now, I bought the same gel, I even crept into his bathroom!"

So maybe he wasn't in deeply concentrating on some complex, thought provoking issue. Gel is serious business too, especially when you're dating an Adonis.

"Edward, I love your hair, you look great even without his hairstyle-" Bella was cut off before she could finish her sentence. Edward had moved from the window onto the bed in front of her in the blink of an eye, a look of anger staining his face.

"How could you say something that horrible?" He snapped, his golden eyes darkening to onyx. Bella bit her lip and played with the ends of her hair, looking down at her lap and back up into his marble face. In an instant Edward's assumed their original topaz colouring, and a half grin spread across his face as he chuckled and lightly pressed his stone lips against Bella's, causing her heart to pound rapidly.

"NO! We mustn't, I can't take your soul!" Edward cried, jumping back from the bed and out the window, leaving an extremely dumbfounded Bella.

He had left her house in a hurry. Using his preternatural speed, he hastened home, arriving within mere minutes. The sight that beheld him when he arrived was unfathomable.

Alice waited upon the front porch, pacing. As Edward approached, she flung herself down the stairs, a crazed look in her eyes.

"Oh Edward, thank God you're here! It's terrible, just terrible, Esme; sh-sh-he-ee, she-e.. she killed herself! Carlisle is distraught, no one can figure out how she tore herself to pieces! The Volturi are on the way..."

Edward fell to his knees in disbelief, horror and numbness consuming his body. Alice's words washed over him, as if she was speaking through a haze. Who could have done such a thing?

"SOMEONE KEYED MY VOLVO!" He screamed, pointing behind Alice. His silver Volvo had a 3 inch, hair thin scratch along the passenger door.

The next few hours were a blur. Alice had called Bella, who had arrived at the Cullen residence to console Edward. The entire family was in deep pain, while the news of Esme's suicide spread throughout the entire vampire world. As the chaos unfolded, three figures watched in delight. The new world was beginning.

**A/N: I have this whole fic laid out, and know exactly where I want to go. I also wrote this at...well, it's 4am now. So, basically, I want to know if anyone is interested in seeing how this goes, because I'm uber excited to get this going!**

**~Nacina~**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight (and I don't think I'd like to either), Hellsing or Deathnote. I also do not possess the "beauty" of the Cullens', the dry wit of Alucard, the rock hard abs of Jacob. I do however believe that Light Yagami totally stole the crazy superiority complex angle from me. Damn him. Potential- sorry, almost CERTAIN- Twilight mocking, so don't read if you're a fangirl. For the love of all that isn't vampirish, don't read it. I can't stand another Team whatever threatening to shiv me, or worse yet, to make me watch Eclipse. I do not own ANYTHING trademarked in this fic (I could tell you EVERYTHING, but that would ruin parts, ya know?). Enjoy!**

Dedicated to my loving reviewers; Lykania, Angel, LittleFanGirl

THE SECOND DAY: JUDGEMENT HATH APPROACHED

A mere 12 hours had passed since the suicide of Esme, and many members of the vampire world had flocked to the Cullen residence to console, examine, and generally be nosy.

The Cullen family huddled together closely on the white sofa, shivering though they felt no cold. The sheer atrociousness of the situation was settling in upon them, like fragments of a nightmare piecing themselves together. Esme was dead, by her own hand. This had never happened before in vampire history. Every author with below minimal research knew this.

"I don't understand," Aro muttered, stalking around the remains of Esme, in a manner unlike that of a large ostrich. Caius and Marcus watched on, practicing their brooding glances on Bella, who was wedged between Edward and Emmett.

Edward coughed, breaking the silence left after Aro muttered and poked at Esme's shredded corpse with his expensive loafers. The remaining members of the Volturi gathered in a small knit circle, snickering as Edward dramatically cried, "Oh Esme, whatever happened to you-" before getting cut off by booming laughter. Edward's head slowly swivelled to the source of the laughter, the Volturi that were still huddled together and shaking with pent up giggles.

In an instant, Carlisle snapped to their sides, smacking Volturi out the way to see what the disturbance was, angered by the disrespect near his dead wife's...limbs.

"What is the ruckus? How dare you befoul the peace of my...HA! I love Sheldon, he has the best lines!"

The remaining vampires and Bella perked up, and raced to crowd around Carlise.

"You guys were watching the Big Bang Theory and didn't tell us?' Emmett cried, shouldering vampires out of the way. Alice leapt onto his shoulders, and glanced over everyone's head. She gasped, and shouted out in glee "Jane has a flipping Iphone! It has Youtube!"

Silence fell around the room, as they waited for Sheldon to give one of his infamous one liners. The volume on the Iphone was set to its loudest volume as he uttered "A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender replies "for you, no charge".

"BAZINGA!" They all cried, cheering. After several minutes of cackling, they sobered up, and readdressed the issue of Esme's demise. Edward pulled out a toy doctor kit, and helped examine her remains.

"My medical degree and plastic needle tell me that she is well and truly gone from our world," he began sombrely, before a scowling Carlisle cut him off with a simple "shut up, Edward."

Aro nodded, contemplating her decapitated head, which was slowly swinging along the ceiling fan. "I agree, she's dead, I mean, more dead than previously. There is no way she could have killed herself, which means another vampire had to do it." Everyone began to eye one another, before he hastily added "or one of those darn werewolves. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was one of them. I mean, look at the gouges in her, those are clearly manicured nails that ripped this skin up."

Every vampire in the room discreetly checked their own perfectly maintained nails, before stuffing them into their pockets and whistling innocently. Bella however jumped to her feet angrily.

"There are no werewolves here, how could they have done it!" She cried passionately, stamping her foot. Aro rolled his eyes, and replied, "Perhaps you did it?"

A terrified squeak emerged from her lips as she vigorously shook her head and hid in Edward's coat front. As this was happened, Alice had a vision, and the instant she regained mobility, she stepped forward, yelling.

"Someone is about to die!"

Instantly, all the vampires broke off into their respective covens, hissing at one another, and eye everyone off. Bella was trampled by the Cullens', shoved protectively between them all. As they continued to face one another, Jane of the Volturi stepped forward, slowly making her way Edward's piano, a glazed expression on her face. They all watched on in curiosity as she reached for the headphones resting on his piano stall, plugging them into her Iphone. She turned to the group, and announced in a monotone, "It's Miley time."

Before they could react, she turned the music up on her phone, and fell to the ground, shaking. Aro lunged forward, in a bid to save her, but he was too late. Terrible music had rendered her brain dead.

"NOOOO!" he cried dramatically, falling to his knees. Everyone around him proceeded to do the same, while Alice snuck up to Jane, pulling the Iphone from her cold grip, then raced up the stairs to her room to hide her new treasure.

After several moments of panic, the remaining vampires composed themselves, and promptly began freaking out again when they realise there was two dead undead girls in the room.

**AN: If anyone is OOC, it's for the purposes of humour, I tried to be accurate. Lol. That's a lie =D**

**~Nacina~**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, but a now empty bottle of coke, which I drank in an attempt to hyper myself up to bust out some major writing for you all. **

**AN: I realise I am updating REALLY fast, but hey, its better than waiting 4 months, right?**

**THE SECOND DAY: JUDGEMENT HATH APPROACHED (CONTINUED)**

_The disbelief-_

Edward: Hold on a second, what does "the second day, continued, mean? I thought this was all in the space of twelve or so hours!

Alice: Yeah, can you not COUNT?

Nacina: *squishes them both* Maybe, if you guys wanted an explanation, you should have asked NICELY. I was all prepared to hand out cookies laced with pois- I mean, normal, average cookies, and tell you all, but no, you have to be pushy.

*Silence*

Nacina: *sigh* anyway, the Day one isn't technically a DAY, it's just how I have divided up the events of the thing. Don't pay attention to it and think it's a literal day, just consider it a way of categorising-

*Alice and Edward shuffle off, unamused by the lack of witty banter*

Nacina: #$%$^!#!...

_Back to the story..._

_The disbelief they all felt was mind-blowing. Esme , and now Jane, were dead by their own hands. They knew for certain Esme had to have killed herself, after seeing how Jane died by her own hand. But what was making them do that? Who was next? How did they stop it from being one of them next? It was all far too much for any—_

"SHUT UP!" Edward snapped. The remaining vampires, and Bella, snapped their heads in Edward's direction. Edward's golden eyes flashed as he threw Bella one of the half grins she loved so dearly, causing her to faint. His brooding gaze then fell upon Jasper. His eyes narrowed as he growled, "shut up the internal monologue. I know you're all doing it, but seriously Jasper, save it for the precious fanfiction you like to write."

Jasper stared down at his feet, welling up with embarrassment inside. Edward sighed, and patted Jasper's shoulder as way of apology, before addressing the group.

"Ok, so we have to figure out what's going on here. It's fairly obvious that we're going to keep...killing ourselves? Look, I'm pretty; I don't need to know technical things. So... any suggestions on how we prevent ourselves from becoming decapitated, or listening to Miley?"

As the deeply intellectual and superior beings, and Bella, pondered this, the front door of the Cullen family home creaked forward. Ominous dark grey clouds hung in the air, and thunder cracked, as a figure in a long coat and a hat covering his face swept in, holding a laptop. Tension filled the room as the stranger set his computer on Edward's piano. They all hesitantly watched on as the screen was opened, and a single "L" on a white screen became visible.

"Hello," an eerie voice announced from the computer. "You _vampires-_" they all began to hiss at the monitor- "have been experiencing a crisis in the last day, members of your race are slowly beginning to kill themselves, a feat thought impossible by you and I alike. I have been investigating this for the last day, and I am intrigued about the situation. I would like to take over your investigation-" ("What investigation? Thought we just figured out they'd died and hadn't started investigating?" they all whispered to each other, puzzled) "—from hence forth. You may address me as 'L'. I never reveal my identity, but, for the simple purposes of investigating easier. I will see you all very soon."

The screen went blank, and the silent man left, leaving behind a very confused bunch of undead individuals.

**AN: A small chapter, yes, but it's a set up for some hopefully awesome stuff ;)**


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